Dad And The Gas Pump

Filling up the car with gas is never fun.  First of all, you have to touch that pump handle which has been touched by millions of people, all of which I have no idea where their hands have been.  I'm a bit of a germ-a-phobe (no clue how to spell that) so you can understand why I fear that handle.  I always need to have a baby wipe or that liquid that kills everything on your hand or something within 5 seconds of putting that pump handle back in its holder.  On a side note, having a kid has done wonders for my germ-a-phobia (again no clue how to spell that).  I mean, I get to carry around a bag with all sorts of cleaning stuff.  Sure I'm probably turning my daughter into a germ-a-phobi-ack (pretty sure I'm making up words and spellings now), but I would rather trend toward cleanliness than the other way of playing in a pile of garbage.  Now if playing in garbage is your thing, then go for it, but I think I would have a heart attack.  You know what else isn't fun about filling up the car with gas?  Looking at the price, but that is beyond my control.  I can at least wear rubber gloves covered in purell to get past the pump handle.

Alright after that long detour back to the story.  Despite the constant battle in my mind about that pump handle, the family car needed fuel desperately.  On my way to work, I stopped at the gas station on the corner to fill up.  This fill up started like any other normal fill up.  The problem this day was that it didn't stay normal.  In fact, it turned into a scene from some sort of horror movie!

I was standing at the pump, and of course the little metal holder that is supposed to make it so I didn't have to hold that pump handle for an extended period of time was broken.  So there I stand, thinking about all the disgusting things a person may have done before handling this handle I now hold, when I notice out of the corner of my eye a giant black something flying about 10 feet behind me and about 20 feet up in the air.  I turn to see what it is, when the flying monster dive bombs toward me.  I immediately try to dodge, but I was too late.  The bird of death landed on my head.  I proceeded to do what any logical person would do when a giant rat with wings lands on you and started doing some kind of horrible dance with my arms flailing all around.  With one of my random flails I hit the bird off my head.  Praying this would end the birds obsession with destroying me, I turned my back to my defeated opponent.  I seriously underestimated the hatred this bird held in its heart for me.  It came at me again and landed on my back.  I then did my best break dancing move leaning back then dropping down and swatting the bird again.  I then made a move to dive under the car, but the bird had flown up and notice the guy at the pump across from me.  The devil bird then tried to dive bomb that guy but missed (obviously it was mesmerized by my awesome skillz at dance) and then flew up into some random hole in the overhang at the gas station to obviously begin to plot its next attack on some other non-suspecting soul.

After the monster retreated I picked myself up and looked at the guy across the way.  He asked if I was ok, and I said of course, you see my awesome dancing ability?  Ok, I didn't say that.  I told him I was fine, and asked if he had seen the whole thing?  He said it was the craziest thing he had ever seen, and was glad to have dodged the crazy bird himself.

Not sure what happened that day, perhaps the bird smelled goldfish and animal crackers on me.  Either way it was some kind of horrible adventure I hope never to repeat.  I'm thinking about taking up karate just in case though...

Dad And The Mall

The mall is a dark place of evil. Yes it is. I have never liked going to that dark place. It makes me shiver every time. The mall is a place where companies go and get mad that they have to pay such high rent, and then take it out on their customers with overpriced clothes, employees that don’t want to be there, and fattening food places all over the place. They want you to stuff your face with Auntie Anne pretzels, and Mrs. Fields (or Ms? not sure if she is married) Cookies so that hopefully you won’t notice you are paying $20 for a shirt or $80 for a pair of already ripped jeans! Back in my day (I realize I technically am not that old) jeans that were torn were given to Dad to be used during oil changes on the family car. If you can get past all the tempting food, and avoid the high priced stuff, there can be deals to be found in certain stores. The only problem with that is dealing with the 48,087 people who all think they know which said of the mall they should walk on. Listen, it is just like driving. DRIVE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD! If 90% of the 48,086 (yes that number is one off because someone went insane and ran out of the mall. Perhaps that person actually went “sane” - boggles your mind huh?) are walking in one direction, why does there have to be the “cool” couple walking against the crowd? Seriously. And if your phone rings, and you stop so suddenly that I or anyone else of the 48,085 (yep we lost another one) people bump into you... it is your fault. Period. So don’t give a dirty look or make improper gestures. Apologize so everyone can move on with their lives.

If you have not figured it out yet, I really dislike the mall experience. When my family needs to go to the mall because of a great deal or for a quick meal we try to go during the day on my day off while most people are either at work, or at school. Even then, most of the subtle annoyances are only slightly less irritable. Luckily, my daughter now serves as some amazing entertainment. My wife wanted to go to this one particular mall we had not been to in a long time. It is quite a ride, and my sister came along as well. We hadn’t been out of the house in a while so I decided to go ahead and go. I’m glad I did. My daughter is now at the point that she loves to do goofy things and get us laughing.

On this particular trip, my wife and I were introduced by my sister to the store H&M. We walked in and my daughter was in one of those small “umbrella” strollers. Immediately we realized all the girl and baby stuff was on the second floor, and all they had was stairs. My wife and sister started looking for an elevator, and I just looked at my daughter, she looked at me, and I picked up the entire stroller and carried her up the stairs. As soon as we hit the top floor she decided she did not like that and wanted out! So she and I went shopping. I love how she knows exactly what she wants. We walked through and I pointed out various shirts and shorts, and one after another she either shook her head no or said, “nah.” I couldn’t believe that she didn’t like one thing! That is, until we came across some bracelets. As soon as I held them up she pulled her hands together, raised her shoulders, and yelled out, “YAH!” We had found a winner. The joy of finding bracelets did not last long though. She wanted to explore, and thus we explored. As we started making our way throughout the mall, I could only imagine how her brain is processing all the information. Her favorite spot was by the water fountains. In just a few minutes, she was best friends with the various water fountains spread throughout the mall and on the way out had to say goodbye to every single one.

My favorite part of the entire trip was when she randomly started falling down, and then walking like the hunchback of Notre Dame just to get a laugh out of my wife and I. I still can’t believe anyone who thinks that these little ones don’t know what they are doing. At around a year and a half, my daughter is showing my wife and I how much she realizes what is going on. It amazes me! Even in one of the darkest place on earth, the mall, she is able to light up the trip with her exploratory mind! A day I assumed to be stressful was nothing of the sort, not like trying to dodge laser beams!

In fact, it was such a fun day I almost didn’t notice the person I nearly had a full out collision with because they nonchalantly walked in front of us, and randomly stopped in the middle of the fifteen foot mostly empty walkway. Almost.

Dad And The First Crying Night

Overall, if I had to describe my daughter, I would use words like smart, beautiful, cute, joyful, etc. But there was a night that the only word I could use was creepy. Yes, creepy. It was the first night that my wife and I let Kaylee put herself back to sleep. Now I know many people say you should start letting your kids “cry themselves to sleep” way earlier than the 14 month mark, but we didn’t do that. Kaylee started sleeping through the night after only a month, and if she did wake up, neither of us could stand hearing her cry. So we rocked her back to sleep. Around the 14 month mark, though, she would “wake” up but wouldn’t be awake. She was like sleep crying. Her eyes were closed, she would just start crying as soon as my wife or I would place her down or just randomly throughout the night. It was starting to get a bit frustrating, and it lead up to the night where the word creepy jumped off my tongue.

It was a Sunday night, or Monday morning depending on how you look at it, and Kristin and I were very tired from the weekend. We are children’s pastors with services on Saturday night, and Sunday morning, so weekends can get us pretty tired. She went to sleep at her normal time around 8pm, which was great! We thought we could relax a little a bit and then head to bed ourselves. Then the clock hit 2:30am. I woke up just long enough to see Kristin leave the room and head toward Kaylee’s room. What seemed like moments later, my beautiful wife came back in the room. She was standing near the bed, and I could still hear Kaylee crying. The following discussion happened (At least, as best I can remember. It was 3:00 in the morning, or something like that.):

Me: “Is everything ok?”
Kristin: “She won’t let me put her down, every time I do she wakes up and cries”
Me: “Its only been like 5 minutes though”
Kristin: “It’s been 2 hours”
Me: “What time is it?!?”
Kristin: “4:30”
Me: “Come to bed”
Kristin: “Let her cry?”
Me: “We’ve never let her cry before, and if we don’t get sleep we are gonna cry”
Kristin: “Ok”
Me: “Give her 5 min”

5 minutes later

Kristin: “Should I go now?”
Me: “Do five more minutes”

5 minutes later

Kristin: “What do you think?”
Me: “We’ve done 10 minutes, let’s go another 5”

5 minutes later

Kristin: “You think another 5?”
Me: “You do realize I’m not letting you go back in there right? The 5 more minutes thing is a sham.”

2 minutes later

Kristin: “I think she is sleeping.”
Me: “I will go check on her. You know what would be creepy? If i walk in there and she is just sitting and starring at the door waiting like in a movie or something.”
Kristin: “That would be creepy.“

So I get up and head to her room. It is pitch black in the house, and we had turn the light on in our room, so my eyes were having trouble adjusting as I transitioned from the bedroom to the main part of the house. I slowly opened her door to check on her, and as my eyes adapted to the low light all I could see was Kaylee sitting straight up and staring at me! At first I was terrified that she would attack me for letting her cry. Then, I couldn’t stop laughing. Kristin heard me and came to the hallway just outside our daughter’s door, and asked me what was going on. I told her it was my biggest fear, our daughter was going to kill me with a death stare. I slowly moved further into the room, trying to not make any sudden movements. I was, after all, trying to avoid the laser beams I knew would start shooting out of Kaylee’s eyes. As I ninja-d my way into the room, I noticed her eyes did not follow me. I quickly thought of motioning to Kristin to get down. Perhaps Kristin was the target! I didn’t motion though, I thought Kristin would be able to get behind the door in time to avoid the laser rays while I threw a pillow or something at Kaylee. Yes this was all going through my mind... it is almost 5am at this point, give me a break! So after the ridiculous scenario had run its course in my head, I realized she had actually fallen asleep in this position, sitting straight up with her eyes open. I walked up to the crib and gently laid her down. She immediately rolled over onto her stomach (butt straight up in the air, like how all babies sleep) and went right to sleep.

It was a crazy night to say the least. It was a break through night though. Now anytime she wakes up, within 2 minutes of crying she is back asleep. I also realize that most parents will look at this story and tell us we lucked out that we only had to hold out 17 minutes. Well, yes, Kaylee rocks, what can I say? I may be a bit biased though :)

Dad And The Elmo Alien Invasion

I love Sesame Street, I really do. I think it is pretty amazing even after all these years. The show helps kids learn in a very fun way, and I know it keeps my daughter’s attention. My only problem with Sesame Street is Elmo. Yes that red monster who has completely invaded my home. You want to talk about an adventure? How about fighting off a mind controlling alien invasion. You may think that lumping in Elmo with the likes of other aliens who have tried to take over the earth in various movies, TV shows, and video games since the age of media is a little harsh, and I see your point. Elmo after all has never blown up the White House like in Independence Day, or made people where tin foil on their heads like that movie (I think it was “Signs”) with the aliens that looked like Power Ranger villains. If you don’t believe me about that last one just google it and leave some comments below with your apologies for doubting. Elmo may not have done any of those things, but he is slowly invading household by household. He already defeated Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, Bert & Ernie, and every other Sesame Street character that used to be ahead of him when I was a kid. Now, I’m afraid to admit my house is under siege. Elmo’s plan is simple, invade and then mind control. It is already beginning. Here is how I know:

Step 1: Invasion
80% of the things in my home now have a picture of Elmo on them, and my daughter runs around the house saying “elmooooo”. Well, technically she doesn’t say it, it is more of singing it. Which is pretty impressive, since she can’t really talk yet. In fact, we are pretty sure Elmo was one of her first 5 words. She has multiple Elmo toys, three of which are stuffed dolls of various sizes. You may say, well it is easy to stop this invasion, just don’t buy her any more things with Elmo on them. That won’t work. She is 14 months old as of writing this and Elmo has worked himself into the American culture. When someone wants to get Kaylee something, the default is Elmo. Elmo is on t-shirts, singing toys, stuffed animals, plastic action figures, DVDs, etc. There is no stopping him!

Step 2: Mind Control
The other night we sat down to dinner. As a general rule, we try to put away all electronics and turn off the TV. We want to do our best to establish dinner time as a family time, and be, at least for the moment, disconnected to the outside world. Most nights this works out and it is great. Kristin and I laugh at our daughter as she learns to use spoons and forks, and mashes food all over the place while our dog, Alf, does his best to get every scrap she drops. It is an adventure every night.

But then came the night where the fog lifted from my eyes and I realized what Elmo was truly up too... world domination through mind control! Kaylee was sitting and eating when all of a sudden she looked over at the TV. It was not on. She quickly started pointing to it and saying Elmo? It technically sounds like em or elm or sometimes just o, but we know what she means. We told her she needed to finish eating, which she immediately did her arms in the air signal that means “I’m all done!” We then tried to explain to our 14 month old child that she had seen enough TV and we were going to play some games that had nothing to do with Elmo or the TV. That didn’t go so well. She immediately went over to the living room and pointed once again to the TV and very calmly said, Elmo? We once again said, no honey lets play with your toys over here. Now she got serious by grabbing the TV remote, pointing it toward the TV, mashing buttons, and then looking at us and saying in her still calm voice, Elmo? We once again assured her that we could watch Elmo later, but right now we were going to have lots of fun playing picnic and catch. Now the mind control escalated. She went to the cabinet where her Elmo DVD is stored and started pulling out, and throwing, every DVD case until she found the one she coveted... Elmo's Music Magic. She then pushed on the sound bar speaker we have (she thinks this is the manual way to turn on the TV) waving the DVD in the air saying over and over again in her still calm voice Elmo, Elmo, Elmo! Before we could once again try to explain and play with her, she put the DVD on top of the satellite box, hurried over to my recliner with remote in hand, climbed up by herself (this was one of the first times she did this. Apparently Elmo mind control gives super human strength), pulled a blanket over her lap, and then pointed the remote at the TV. She then said again in a calm voice while looking at us with her big brown eyes, Elmo?

It was at this point the mind control transferred from our little girl to us. We turned on the DVD for the 3,091,293,409,409,841st time, and sang and danced with her through the movie.

Elmo won again...

Sadly, resistance was futile.

How about you, has Elmo taken control of your house? If not what has?

Dad And The Belly Button

Adventures are something everyone looks forward too. My wife and I have had many adventures both together and before we met. We both have been to multiple countries, have enjoyed meeting new people, trying new things, and overall have done a great deal in our lives so far. We have been married almost 5 years now and decided 3 years ago to start the adventure of having kids. We work with children for a living as children’s pastors so when we decided to start our own family we weren’t sure how different it would be - we are surrounded by kids 50% of our time anyway, what would another 50% change right?.

So after a year of trying and 9 months of pregnancy (my wife, not me), our little girl, Kaylee, was born. What I thought would be one big adventure has turned into daily adventures of hilarity, insanity, tiredness, craziness and most overall awesomeness. With this site, I’m hoping to share some of these adventures as well as have a place my wife, Kristin, and I can look back on and remember the crazy amounts of adventures we have had with Kaylee, and our future kids.

One of the first most vivid moments I can remember is the day the umbilical cord finally fell off. First of all, how nasty are those things? I know they say people aren’t born with tails, but isn’t that basically what an umbilical cord is - a tail coming out of our stomach? Of course, the tail... I mean umbilical cord does come off after a short while, so dreams of being able to swing from trees from a stomach tail are only for those who are still in the beginning stages of life. We were instructed by the nurse to make sure to keep the cord clean by using a q-tip and rubbing alcohol. She told us to be gentle when touching the cord so we wouldn’t hurt the baby. She then very quickly said to not be so careful you don’t get it clean around the base. This of course is in direct violation of another nurse who said the q-tip and alcohol method was outdated and not to use it. That second opinion is in direct opposition of a parenting website which said to rub guacamole on it so it stays nice a moist, kind of like that facial stuff girls put on at night. Anyways, we went with the keep it clean method and constantly debated whether we were being gentle enough or if we were not getting to the “base” of the cord. The umbilical cord was supposed to fall off within 2-4 weeks, but we found ourselves around the 5 week mark with Kaylee’s stomach tail still hanging on for dear life. I guess Kaylee really wanted to swing from trees hands and feet free! Kristin and I couldn’t wait for the thing to go though, it looked like a shriveled up freeze dried banana that had been on the counter for weeks...

One night Kristin and I are getting Kaylee ready for bed. This included a bath, change of clothes, and all the other usual stuff. Kristin went to the other room to get her some pajamas while I finished up. Kaylee was getting a little upset and possibly a little cold so I picked her up after I had her diaper on. She calmed down pretty quick, so I put her down on the changing table, when I noticed “it” was gone. The stomach tail was missing. I quickly looked around. It was no where to be found (yes I realize those two sentences rhyme. I’m reading a lot more Dr. Seuss now a days). Her little belly button was bleeding a bit and overall was pretty disgusting looking. I still wanted to know where that tail was when all of a sudden I look down and see it. The cord was caught on my shirt! It was trying to burrow its way into my belly button. I quickly smacked the alien invader off, and then called Kristin in the room to figure out what to do with Kaylee’s new belly button. We weren’t sure how to react so we did what any other 20 something parents of the 21st century would do - we pulled out our camera phones and sent a picture to our parents to ask them what to do. While awaiting a response the inni and outi belly button theories others had mentioned came to mind. Supposedly if you, but a silver dollar over the belly button you are 100% guaranteed to make it an inni. After a quick rehash of the methods, we decided to let nature take its course as to whether Kaylee would have an inni or outi belly button.

We ended up just cleaning out her belly button, and all was well. My parents actually laughed at me for sending them a picture. Once Kaylee was set and heading to bed, I had to find where I had swatted the remains of her stomach tail... luckily Alf, our dog, hadn’t eaten it. In case you are wondering, I threw away the remaining umbilical cord. I know there are people out there that will save it and make it into a teddy bear or something, but that’s not my cup of tea. The thing did after all try to attack me.

Umbilical cords are not much fun, but they make for one great adventure!