Dad And The Gas Pump

Filling up the car with gas is never fun.  First of all, you have to touch that pump handle which has been touched by millions of people, all of which I have no idea where their hands have been.  I'm a bit of a germ-a-phobe (no clue how to spell that) so you can understand why I fear that handle.  I always need to have a baby wipe or that liquid that kills everything on your hand or something within 5 seconds of putting that pump handle back in its holder.  On a side note, having a kid has done wonders for my germ-a-phobia (again no clue how to spell that).  I mean, I get to carry around a bag with all sorts of cleaning stuff.  Sure I'm probably turning my daughter into a germ-a-phobi-ack (pretty sure I'm making up words and spellings now), but I would rather trend toward cleanliness than the other way of playing in a pile of garbage.  Now if playing in garbage is your thing, then go for it, but I think I would have a heart attack.  You know what else isn't fun about filling up the car with gas?  Looking at the price, but that is beyond my control.  I can at least wear rubber gloves covered in purell to get past the pump handle.

Alright after that long detour back to the story.  Despite the constant battle in my mind about that pump handle, the family car needed fuel desperately.  On my way to work, I stopped at the gas station on the corner to fill up.  This fill up started like any other normal fill up.  The problem this day was that it didn't stay normal.  In fact, it turned into a scene from some sort of horror movie!

I was standing at the pump, and of course the little metal holder that is supposed to make it so I didn't have to hold that pump handle for an extended period of time was broken.  So there I stand, thinking about all the disgusting things a person may have done before handling this handle I now hold, when I notice out of the corner of my eye a giant black something flying about 10 feet behind me and about 20 feet up in the air.  I turn to see what it is, when the flying monster dive bombs toward me.  I immediately try to dodge, but I was too late.  The bird of death landed on my head.  I proceeded to do what any logical person would do when a giant rat with wings lands on you and started doing some kind of horrible dance with my arms flailing all around.  With one of my random flails I hit the bird off my head.  Praying this would end the birds obsession with destroying me, I turned my back to my defeated opponent.  I seriously underestimated the hatred this bird held in its heart for me.  It came at me again and landed on my back.  I then did my best break dancing move leaning back then dropping down and swatting the bird again.  I then made a move to dive under the car, but the bird had flown up and notice the guy at the pump across from me.  The devil bird then tried to dive bomb that guy but missed (obviously it was mesmerized by my awesome skillz at dance) and then flew up into some random hole in the overhang at the gas station to obviously begin to plot its next attack on some other non-suspecting soul.

After the monster retreated I picked myself up and looked at the guy across the way.  He asked if I was ok, and I said of course, you see my awesome dancing ability?  Ok, I didn't say that.  I told him I was fine, and asked if he had seen the whole thing?  He said it was the craziest thing he had ever seen, and was glad to have dodged the crazy bird himself.

Not sure what happened that day, perhaps the bird smelled goldfish and animal crackers on me.  Either way it was some kind of horrible adventure I hope never to repeat.  I'm thinking about taking up karate just in case though...

Dad And The Food Bowl

Sometimes when mom is away the kids will play, or in this case my daughter and me! My daughter has always been one to make big jumps. She decided to stop nursing one day cold turkey. She never liked the bottle, but preferred straws and sippy cups. I just hope she does the same thing with potty training. She never liked baby food, and only lasted eating it for maybe a month. If it was up to her, she would have been done with it the first day. As soon as she started tasting real food around the 6-8 month range she just flat out refused to eat the baby food and would fight us with every bite. In all honesty, can you blame her? Baby food is unseasoned mush that has been in a glass bottle for who knows how long. I’m pretty sure the only reason adults get away feeding it to babies is because babies can’t voice their opinions. Well, technically they do. Babies tend to spit the food out and as they get older they throw the food. Sure the initial spit out response is explained away as the baby learning how to swallow the food or some mumbo jumbo like that, but lets be honest, when you taste something horrible what do you do? Spit it out!

There was a moment that was the final straw on even attempting to get her to eat it. One night when she was around the 7 month mark Kristin and I were eating dinner and attempting to feed our daughter her food. We had finished and Kristin had to run out to the store, leaving me in charge of trying to get some of this baby food into our daughters mouth. As soon as my wife exited the building my daughter just looked at me as if to say good luck. I was up to the challenge though. I started to slowly give her the food, and she would counter. I bobbed one way with the spoon and she weaved the other. WIth each miss she mocked me. With each miss she slowly chipped away at my soul. Ok, maybe it didn’t hurt my soul, but you get the point. She was already breaking me when she decided dodging the spoon wasn’t enough. She wanted to feed herself with the spoon. I tried to explain to her she wasn’t quite ready yet, but for some reason she doubted me.

On a side note, sometimes I feel like Marlin, the little clown fish from “Finding Nemo”. Marlin constantly tells his son Nemo, “You just can’t!” every time Nemo wants to do something. That scene flashes into my mind constantly! No you can’t jump over the couch! No you can’t bite the dog! No you can’t take the dog’s food and shove it in his mouth! No you just can’t drive the car yet, you aren’t even 2 yet! No you can’t feed yourself with the spoon yet! Most of the time my very determined daughter tries anyway. This time she listened though. After I explained she couldn’t use the spoon tonight, she stopped going for it. I guess this was a little confusing since she had started to learn to feed herself. I was just tired at this point, and wanted to get the food in her. So the spoon was no longer in her sights, instead she went for the bowl. This so far has been one of the most frustrating 10 minutes of my life. I once again said, “You just can’t!” and tried to convince her to eat just a few more bites. She once again started the bob and weave. I finally gave up and just looked at her. She looked back at me with a satisfied grin of victory. I then simply said, “what do you want?” She simply pointed at the bowl. So I gave it to her. I handed over the entire bowl that was holding a full jar of baby food. She grabbed the bowl, looked at me, and then put the edge of the bowl into her mouth. She was slurping the food from the bowl! The bowl covered her whole face, and when she finally took it down, a ring of food was circling the outside of her face. She didn’t stop there though. I guess she wanted to fully immerse herself in the food, because the bowl then became a hat. That last part was probably because I couldn’t stop laughing at the sight of her slurping the food, and she always loves to make daddy laugh.

Just as she finished up, mommy walked through the door. Needless to say, she started laughing and wanted to know what happened.

What happened was I was successful. I got some food in her, or on her, either way food left the bowl.

Dad And The Exercise Bike

Starting toward the end of last year, my wife and I decided to get serious about getting healthier. Before we had our daughter we were close to being in the best shape of our life. We were eating right, going for walks, and all sorts of other things. Then my wife got pregnant and hungry. Like eating for two people hungry, which is understandable because she was eating for two people. Me on the other hand? Well apparently some Dads experience sympathy “pains” during pregnancy. I experience sympathy weight gain, like 20 lbs! The difference between my wife an I? She gave birth, and I bought new pants. What could I say when she wanted some chocolate cake? No? To a pregnant lady? Not gonna happen! So I sat down and ate chocolate cake, and brownies, and cookies, and ice cream, and, well, you get the idea. Fast forward a few months, and we got back to eating a lot better and getting back into form. We couldn’t always go on our walks around the neighborhood though due to rain, or just plain busyness. In February, we decided to get an exercise bike. Yes an exercise bike, not a coat hanger. We actually do use it. In fact, both of us love it. I ordered it online and within a couple days it arrived.

My wife and I were both excited about seeing the box by the front door as we got home from work, and were actually surprised it wasn’t bigger. So we went into the house through the garage and I made my way to the door. I soon found out that whoever packed this thing needs an award or something, because they somehow managed to fit a 6ft by 4ft machine into what seemed like a 3ft by 4ft box. When I first grabbed box to lift it into the house I was in for another surprise... the thing weighed more than me! Instead of lifting it, I dragged it into the house. It was at this point I learned something about my daughter who at the time was 1 year old. She wants to do everything I do, and is more curious than a penguin at a wedding. She had to help me drag this monstrosity into the house. I don’t mean that I needed her help, I mean she HAD to help me. As in, I’m going to scream for the next year if you don’t let me help you drag this into the house. I grabbed an end, and told her to grab a piece of tape that was on the box. She grabbed an opening in the cardboard instead. Either way we got it into the house.

My daughter then went and played with my wife while I pulled out all the pieces. She wanted to help then too, but I didn’t want to risk her getting into something. Piece by piece i started separating out the parts of this bike in order to put it together. Luckily the instructions were very informative. Well they at least looked informative. I’m pretty sure the text was in another language, but the pictures were pretty. No worries, I’m a man and as the man of the house I would figure this thing out. It really wasn’t too bad other than the actual wire that connected the handle bars to the pedals of the bike. The manufacturer conveniently let that little number slide down into the metal pipe of the base of the bike. This pipe had no other opening then the top, and I could barely see the little wire 4ft down inside it. But with some ingenuity, multiple pairs of pliers, a broken curtain rod, hammer, and a few punches to what would be the face of the bike, the wire was retrieved. Once I got that part down after only 2 hours (can you sense the sarcasm here?) my daughter entered the room again determined to help. As I went around the bike screwing in the various bolts with an allen key, she watched me so intensely. After a little bit she found the screwdriver I had brought in and immediately went to work. After each bolt I completed, she would come behind me and and put that screwdriver on the bolt. I don’t think she was happy with the work I was doing, because she double and triple checked everything. Within an hour, thanks to her help, we finished. Her work wasn’t done though. Over the next few days she constantly would go into that room and point to where the screwdriver is kept. She would then spend ten minutes making sure each bolt was in its place and tightened.

This fascination with putting things together didn’t stop there. A few weeks later, I was tightening up some of our chairs in the kitchen, and she needed a screwdriver to help me. She wants to fix everything now, to the point that we bought her her own little tool set. Without her there to help me with that exercise bike, I’m not sure I would have finished that night. She provided some very well needed comic relief in a situation that is very frustrating. Before she got in there I wanted to throw the bike out the window. I wouldn’t have been able to do it, considering it weighs as much as a car, but i could have rented a fork lift or something.

Now my wife and I can enjoy using the bike to help us get and stay in shape. Kaylee enjoys it too. She now thinks it is a motorcycle. She climbs onto the seat, stands up, grabs the handle bars and goes “VRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMM”

Hey, she built the thing, so she can pretend it is anything she wants!

Dad And The Bear Whisperer

I am disappointed with one aspect of my life... I never discovered a super power. I thought one would evolve at some point before I was 18, but it never happened. No ability to fly, teleport, shoot lasers from my eyes, super strength, amazing accuracy with a bow and arrow, ring from the sky that can turn into anything, nothing! I didn’t even get the ability to pop a kernel of popcorn by sneezing! That is probably why I love Batman. He has no super power, and yet, he is awesome.

Even though my dream of a super power didn’t come true, I can hold out for my kids. Maybe one of them will be able to fly or throw metal things around like Magneto (minus the evil part though). I have been waiting with great anticipation for over 16 months now to see if any kind of super ability will shine in my daughter. Well those months of waiting have paid off. My daughter is a bear whisperer. That’s right, bears do whatever she wants apparently. My wife and I learned this today while at the zoo. This was our first trip to the zoo with our daughter, and what a day it was with the discovery of her super power. I couldn’t be more proud.

The trip started out pretty normal. It was hot, humid, and rained just a little bit as we weaved our way through the giant trees and winding paths through the different animal exhibits. We saw tigers, birds, snakes, birds, frogs, birds, all sorts of dogs, birds, koala bears, birds, ant eaters, and of course more birds. Zoos have a lot of birds these days. Sadly no elephants! Which was one of the main reasons for the trip! Our daughter loves elephants! She walks around and at least 3 times a day makes an elephant sound and brings her arm above her head. She loved the birds, especially when mommy busted out a quarter and we fed them. She loves ducks and got to feed a mixture of ducks and swans. The whole time she is saying, “duck! duck!” When we ran out of food she begged in her little way for more, but alas, we had no more quarters so we moved on.

After 2 hours, we pretty much had walked through the entire zoo and seen all the different animals. We did notice that we missed the bears and they supposedly had a Florida Panther (we had to preface to our daughter that it was not a hockey player, but an actual Florida Panther. She has gone to some hockey practices and games with us, so I wasn’t sure if maybe she thought Stephen Weiss lived in the zoo or something. At least that is what I would have thought.) We walked down the path and noticed that the bear was pretty close to the fence. The enclosure had a fence, then 4ft of space, then another fence. There was also a 6 foot area where there was a swimming area for the bear and separating the visitors was a thick piece of glass. We made our way to the glass, because it was the most unobstructed view of the medium sized bear. Then it happened! My daughter’s super power manifested itself! As soon as she went to that glass, the bear swam over and started splashing! The bear came right over and put his nose up against the glass, as if to say, “Yes, how can I be of service?” I thought for sure my daughter would say, “go and stop evil!” She instead tried to pet him through the glass. Some other kids ran over to see the bear up so close, and my daughter started to walk away. Wouldn’t you know that as soon as she walked away the bear swam away? Further proof of the super power! Then after looking at some bushes, she ran back up to the glass and tried her best growl. The bear looked back, turned, and swam right back up to the glass!!! It was amazing! She loved it and was laughing the whole time. Honestly, i was pretty impressed. For a person so small, and a bear so big, i thought for sure she would be a little intimidated. The bear came up out of the water and shook himself right in front of him. He looked huge in that moment, and she just laughed at him! Here is a look:





Overall it was a very great day, and now I have the great responsibility to teach my daughter to use her powers for good.

With great bears, comes great responsibility.

Oh, and we never did find that Florida Panther... maybe they were hiding some of the actual hockey players?

Dad And The Ten Minute Conversation

For the first time in a long time I did not dread my birthday. Yes that seems ridiculous for a still very young 28 year old, but it is the way I’m wired. My brain tends to go forward 10, 20, 40, 80 years and with each birthday it reminds me of the eventual situations and life bumps I will undoubtedly have to face like any other person. It takes a lot of trusting in God and smacking myself in the face to stay in and enjoy the moment. Very surprising to me, this past birthday I did not care one bit. I love where I am, and it has a lot to do with my growing family. The conversation I had with my year and a half old daughter is a perfect example.

My daughter is really starting to show affection, and will come randomly over to me, jump in my lap, give me a huge hug, and exclaim “My DADA!” The absolute best is when she then tries to have a conversation with me. It is getting a little easier as her secret code transforms into the english language. On this particular day, I had just gotten off the phone with my dad, or Papa as my daughter calls him. As I put the phone down, my daughter walked over to me, gave me a hug, and then looked me squarely in the eye and the following conversation happened:

Daughter: Papa?
Me: Yes that was Papa
Daughter: Papa?
Me: Yes that was Papa and he was at home.
Daughter: Nonna? (That is my mom)
Me: Nonna is at work
Daughter: Ella? (What she calls my sister)
Me: Ella is with Kaylen (her friend)
Daughter: Ella?
Me: She is with Kaylen
Daughter: Ella? Ella?!
Me: She is with Kaylen, honey, you know Kaylen
Daughter just stares at me...
Me: They went to the beach or something, I’m not sure
Daughter: Papa?
Me: He’s at home
Daughter: Papa?
Me: He is at home, we will see him later
Daughter: Papa?
Me: Yes, we will see him later
Daughter: Yeah! Nonna?
Me: She is at work, I’m not sure if we will see her today
Daughter: Nonna?
Me: Work
Daughter: Ella?
Me: With Kaylen
Daughter: Papa?
Me: At home.......
Daughter: Nonna?
Me: Really? She is still at work...

She then grabs the phone I had placed on the couch

Daughter: Nonna?
Me: We can’t call Nonna right now, she is working.
Daughter: Papa?
Me: I just hung up with Papa, he is coming over here in a little bit
Daughter: Ella?
Me: Honey, give me the phone, go play.
Daughter: Papa?
Me: Where is Alf’s bone? You should find it

She then goes off looking for our dog’s bone to give it to him. This simple little conversation absolutely blew my mind. It confirms how much is going on in her little head, and the connections she makes with people. She knew that if I was talking with my dad then she could ask about my mom and sister as well. I could tell she wanted to ask about my brother as well, but she hasn’t figured out the “J” sound yet for Joseph. It is conversations like this that keep me in the moment. Each new conversation is a mini adventure. Between my amazing wife and daughter I get to have an adventure everyday.